(no subject)

...i know im not perfect; not even close.
i never wished to be, i never wanna be, cause
being perfect its absurd. how can anyone be
perfect? its unrealistic. i am human. im a girl.
im young. i do make mistakes. constantly. i do
act before i think; i do think before i act. as of
late, i havent done anything right. im afraid all
my choices ive made have been the wrong ones. im afraid
the friends i have are rapidly decreasing in number &soon
enough, ill be left alone. everyone will be sick &tired of
my crap &will just give up on me. if they havent already.
ive given up on me.
i think, leaving post was a huge mistake - i was familiar there.
i think meeting tristan was a mistake; leaving tristan might
have been a bigger one. but i am greatful for everything we had.
meeting stan was absolutely a mistake. being with him was a mistake.
but staying friends is one of the smartest things ive done...in a long
time. not going to buffalo like i wanted to for TWO years was a mistake.
moving back home was an OBVIOUS mistake. drinking is a mistake. being
his friend, could possibly be a mistake. not making enough friends, holding
on too tight to the past, all mistakes. regret, guilt, fear, happiness, love, hate.
MISTAKES.
i think my best friends have given up on me; hate me. the people ive known most of
my life, dont even know me anymore, &i dont know them. the people ive learned to
trust with all my heart have turned their heads...or at least thats how it feels.
no one trusts me, &i dont trust anyone. but then, with the way things have been,
whothehell should trust me? i wouldnt. even if i am happy; i dont think its worth
all this pain.
the smartest advice ive ever heard, was that you should never regret anything you do
cause their all lessons learned. whens this lesson gonna finish?
its causing too much pain, too much sadness &feeling of lowliness. people are waiting
for an apology that im not ready to give. im not sure if i ever will be ready to. &maybe
i wont wanna give it, maybe they wont wanna listen.
maybe they were right; maybe i am a homewrecker.


*this is public on purpose.
  • Current Music
    My American Heart

(no subject)

numb;
scared &worried.
pensive.
late at night i wonder that when you're not with me, are you with someone else.
afraid to cry;
cause i wanna be strong.
but the easiest thing is to be afraid, &to wonder.
will you leave me?
make me cry; please don't make me cry.
i stare at the screen;
&watch the phone carefully.
things are different?
better. worse.
why do i have to think so damn much.
  • Current Music
    death cab...SO emo.

update

Social Life: like a fish outta water; havent really done much because miss maria is sick &ive been so tired after work, i havent the energy (or the money :\) to party like a rockstar. however, movies with tristan tomorrow; beach day with maria saturday, then maybe doing it DSW style. we shall see. 
Work Life: i got layed off today; can you believe it?! im 19 years old &can already collect unemployment; hot shit.  so me &tristan will be job hunting together sometime soon; im looking for something real simple &part time.  i was thinking about waitressing, but im not sure how good i would be with the people; then hostessing, i figure i can fake a smile &pleasant greeting for five minutes; i did that all through high school.  &of course, the internet savvy person that i am, i craiglisted a bunch of jobs in the Village &in Queens, just to see, i still wanna go to American Eagle; hopefully they like me.  Can you say discount!?
Love Life: just thinking about it gets me all weakintheknees &butterflies in the stomach; not to say that i love him, its only been two weeks.  but, have you ever been so happy that the feeling is almost undescribable &you dont really know what else to do but make up excuses as to why hes bad for you &reasons why you guys are wrong for each other? ... maybe its just me then? this relationship definitely is - to say the least - different from the past, simply because i feel like i can trust him, and coming from me, that is most definitely saying alot.  because, as most know, trusting anyone is incredibly complicated, im probably just a very paranoid person.  but with tristan, i dun worry if hes cheating, &i like that feelingdo i think i talk about him too much tho? thus endeth topic of love life. 
School Life: currently i am enrolled as a sophomore in...LaGuardia Community College.  sure its not as fabulous as being a sophomore at Post, but its only for the year, &then im off to bright skies &palm trees.  im going to california &getting a degree there, i dun care what anyone says.  itll happen as long as i want it to.  im planning a vacation to SD &LA sometime next year, perhaps Spring Break? San Diego mostly, cause I wanna check out SDSU &maybe look for a job or something, because lord knows ill be broke ass.  i almost cried yesterday on the bus because i realized i wont be on the inside anymore at post; i was so used to knowing all the bullshit stories &stupid jokes &all the juicy gossip; and my dumb ass decided to come back home, &for what?  less debt.  im sure ill be in debt for something else later on down the line.
Auto Life: - - -
  • Current Music
    The Academy Is

cruelty...

You're the kind of person who just can't settle for anything less than the whole shebang. That's the way you are on a daily basis, but the way you're feeling now ... well, let's just say that you won't even be able to convincingly fake being satisfied if you're not. And that will be true for just about any department of life. When it comes down to the issue of love, you really won't be up for pretending.

...well; that settles that.

So. Bored.

You are
[ ] really short under 5'2
[x] short 5'2.. 5'5
[ ] 5"6
[ ] in between 5'7" - 6'
[ ] tall (6' 1" i think)

[ ] blonde
[ ] redhead
[ ] brunette
[ ] (natural color) dirty blonde
[x] black

[ ] blue-eyed
[x] brown-eyed
[ ] green-eyed
[ ] hazel eyed
[ ] gold/gray-eyed

[ ] glasses
[ ] contacts

[ ] braces
[x] freckles
[x] piercings
[ ] tattoos

[ ] long hair
[ ] short hair
[x] med. hair


Your nationality includes...
[ ] samoan
[ ] chinese
[ ] indian
[ ] taiwanese
[ ] japanese
[ ] hispanic
[ ] nicoya
[ ] puerto rican
[ ] chicana
[x] italian
[ ] scottish
[x] filipino
[ ] armenian
[ ] dutch
[ ] french
[x] german
[x] irish
[ ] greek
[ ] portugeese
[ ] polish
[ ] korean
[ ] jamacian
[ ] canadian
[ ] lithuanian
[ ] Native American
[ ] Russian
[ ] British (English)
[ ] Swedish
[ ] African
[ ] spanish
[ ] hungarian
[ ] thai
[ ] guamanian
[ ] Czech-Slovakian
[ ] you aren't sure
[ ] other:Cuban, Costa Rican, etc.

Your favorite color(s) are?
[ ] red
[x] pink
[ ] yellow
[ ] black
[x] green
[x] blue
[ ] white
[ ] silver/gray
[ ] purple
[ ] brown
[ ] orange

Favorite Sports
[ ] soccer
[ ] cheerleading
[ ] dancing
[ ] lacrosse
[ ] field hockey
[ ] hockey
[ ] football
[ ] softball
[ ] wrestling
[ ] gymnastics
[ ] track/cross country
[ ] basketball
[ ] baseball
[ ] golf
[ ] hiking
[ ] kayaking
[ ] camping
[ ] horseback ridin
[ ] tennis
[x] volleyball
[ ] other:

Your personality is sometimes...
[x] annoying
[x] talkative
[x] shy
[x] funny
[x] serious
[ ] bubbly
[x] spazzy
[x] fun loving
[x] laid back
[x] strict
[x] hyper
[x] weird
[ ] ditzy
[x] sarcastic
[ ] other:

The music you like is?
[ ] classic rock
[ ] rap
[x] rock
[x] pop
[ ] country
[x] hiphop
[x] r&b
[ ] slow jams
[ ] Christian
[ ] classical
[ ] techno
[ ] oldies
[x] punk
[ ] metal
[x] reggae
[ ] hardcore
[x] ska
[x] 80's
[x] indie
[x] reggaeton
[ ] other:

The pets you have had?
[x] cat
[x] dog
[ ] lizard
[ ] rat
[ ] ferret
[ ] rabbit
[x] fish
[ ] ducks
[ ] chickens
[ ] horse
[x] bird
[ ] frog
[x] hermit crab
[ ] prairie dog
[ ] snake
[ ] spider
[ ] none
[ ] guinea pig
[x] hamster

Clothes you like to wear ?
[x] plain tshirts
[x] sweatshirts
[ ] stockings
[ ] high heels
[x] sneakers
[x] jeans
[ ] pj pants
[ ] boxers
[x] underwear
[ ] boxer briefs
[ ] dresses
[ ] mini skirts
[x] med skirts
[ ] long skirts
[ ] watch
[ ] hoop earring(s)
[x] long earring(s)
[x] toe socks
[ ] flip flops
[ ] halter tops
[x] stilletos
[x] band shirts
[ ]shorts
[ ] boots
[ ] arm-warmers
[ ] corsets
[ ] lingerie
[ ] b-day suit

You're labeled as?
[ ] goth
[ ] emo
[ ] prep
[ ] punk
[ ] ghetto/ gangsta
[ ] Rudeboy
[ ] hippie
[ ] nerd/dork
[ ] hyper
[ ] happy
[ ] slutty
[ ] suicidal
[ ] poser
[ ] evil
[ ] everything
[x] I hate labels
[ ] i have no idea.
[ ] none
[ ]skater

You eat?
[x]dessert
[ ] no meat
[ ] diet stuff
[ ] healthy foods
[x] junk foods
[x] a lot of carbs
[x] meat
[x] salad
[ ] seafood
[x] cheese
[ ] dont know
[ ] everything

A typical friday night...
[x] mall with friends
[x] partying
[x] go 2 the movies
[ ] going to the club
[x] staying home
[ ] babysitting
[x] hanging out w/ my friends
[x] hangin out w/ your bf or gf
[ ] working while your friends are out having fun!

Online, you use:
[x] lol
[ ] sup
[x] :]
[x] lmao
[ ] stfu
[ ] ty
[ ] jk
[ ] jp
[ ] ttyl
[ ] lylas/lylab
[ ] g2g
[ ] ^^
[ ] T_T
[ ] XD
[x]other: <3 :| >.<
[ ]how bout none :

  • Current Music
    I Can Make a Mess Like Nobody's Business

(no subject)

hey hey hey!

hope everyone had a booty-kicking 4th of july; mine was just lovely!!

the layout is cool; i had miss andrea hook me up, unfortunately its just not working to well...

supposed to see batman begins? tomorrow with tristan<3 we shall see leave me love darlings!

ps; work sucks.  but i need the cash flow

$45-$60: dyeing my hair (professionally done)
$X: new DVD player, cause im hella violent &broke mine
$50- $100: camera phone

  • Current Mood
    indescribable indescribable